Cupid Needs to Die a Painful Death
by theflawintheplan
Summary: Sasori just wants to avoid all blondes, considering he recently broke up with his girlfriend. However, the annoying new kid at school won't leave him alone...Summary sucks, SasoDei.
1. Chapter 1

"You cheated on me?"

That's me: Akasuna Sasori. I led a pretty good life up to this point, having good grades to wow the teachers with, wonderful parents who support me in anything, awesome friends to joke around and hang with, and oh yeah….

"Well Sasori, what am I supposed to say?"

That's my girlfriend, Yamanaka Ino. **(1) **She's a gorgeous, nearly platinum blonde girl with pretty baby blue eyes and nice curves. She's also supposed to be the girl I cater to exclusively as a perk of being my girlfriend, but as you should have already guessed, we were currently in the middle of a fight.

"You can start with the truth, Ino!"

"Okay, yes, I kissed him, Sasori. But that's all that happened, I swear! It's okay!"

I blew a frustrated sigh, raking my fingers through my hair. Did she really think kissing another guy, a guy she _swore_ she did not have feelings for, mind you, would turn out okay in the end in regards to our relationship? "Why would you think that? Why would you think that was going to be okay?"

"I didn't mean to Sasori, it just sort of happened."

_It just sort of happened. _What kind of fool did she take me for? I was not born yesterday. (And for you smart asses out there who are thinking to themselves, _'Well _that's _obvious,'_ you can suck it, because you obviously can't recognise sarcasm.) Ino just glared at me, probably-finally-keying into the fact that I was not exactly happy with her at the moment.

"Hey, nothing happened, okay?"

At that, I let out a disbelieving laugh that almost sounded like a bark. "Nothing happened? Ino, you _kissed_ another guy. Do you understand what that means? That means you met with someone _outside_ this relationship and then kissed that guy who was _outside_ this relationship. Outside. I don't think you grasp the concept of fidelity. You obviously don't." The glare did not let up, but I did not really care at the present moment. After all, I could also deliver a mean stare when I wanted to. (And boy, did I want to.)

I looked around at the growing crowd of faces. Dammit, this was not where I planned to do this. Having a fight over personal problems at school was like announcing to the world, _"Hi, I'm Sasori. Would you like to stand around obnoxiously while I try to patch up the holes in my crumbling life?"_ Yeah, that was not even close to what I wanted or needed right now.

"Sasori, I didn't go all the way with him. That's got to count for something, right?" Her amazing blue eyes pleaded with me to give her another chance, to forget this ever happened and try to strive once more for the happy future with her that had seemed so attainable the half hour before all this.

Now, don't get me wrong. This was not the first time this had happened with Ino (the first, and only recorded, occurrence being when she was dating the school heartthrob Uchiha Sasuke-one of my best friends. He then retaliated by sticking his tongue down Uzumaki Naruto's-_his_ best friend's-throat, and they have been together ever since.), but it was the first time it had happened whilst she was with me. I had to think about what I should do for the relationship for a moment because I seriously doubted she ever stop cheating on her boyfriends.

After a few minutes of debate, I lifted my head to look her straight in the eye. I sighed. "I'm sorry Ino, I can't forgive and forget this. I'd like to stay friends, but I can't be with you anymore. I'm sorry." I added the last one for good measure and to hopefully soften the blow a little better. She gaped at me for a second, probably not believing I would not stay with her, and then abruptly turned on her heel and ran off. Her friends, who were interwoven in the group, shook their heads in disdain for my actions before running after her. Everyone else, sensing the spectacle was over, went off to their respective homes or interschool activities (the bastards), leaving me there to wonder why I could not satisfy Ino enough.

Since I thought I was alone, you can image my surprise when a hand lightly touched my shoulder in comfort. (I did _not_ jump into the air when this happened…I'm not a sissy little girl.) Sasuke and Naruto stood at my side, reassuring smiles on their faces.

"It will be okay," Naruto soothed. He probably would have been touching me in comfort like boyfriend, but his arms were currently laced around the waist of said boyfriend. "You'll get over her and be as good as new in a couple of days. You'll see."

I sunk to my knees and Sasuke followed, forcing Naruto down with us. I did not care, however, as this was my time of need, not Naruto's. Immediately regretting my own thought, I sniffled and clung to a compassionate Naruto. His lover was less than sympathetic. Jerk.

"Can't say I didn't warn you."

I looked up from Naruto's chest to gaze disbelievingly into Sasuke's onyx eyes. When his expression did not change, I tried to win his sorrow with glistening puppy eyes-he still was not moved.

"What? I told you she was bad news, but you chose not to listen to me. 'Oh no Sasuke, you're wrong.' " Sasuke created a high pitched voice in what I have to say was a pretty poor imitation of myself. " 'She won't do that to me.' " Naruto looked angry at that and was about to open his mouth in my defense, but one look from his boyfriend and Naruto decided he would rather get some ass tonight than protect my feelings.

Thank you Naruto, you are such a great friend. I love you too. Sasuke smirked at me and I swear for a moment I forgot we were even friends. That's how much these two care for me. Sasuke did not yet to think he was in the wrong.

"I mean, I hate to say I told you so, but…. Maybe next time, the thought of getting in someone's pants won't make you as giddy as listening to your friend." **(2)**

Okay, that went beyond jerk and started to enter into Bastard Country, a land I loved to death and consequently called home. And I did not like anyone else invading my home.

"I can be a bigger bastard than you, Sasuke." I warned. We stared each other down for a while before a twitch of our lips appeared on mirror sides of our mouths. It was not long before full-blown smiles erupted on across the lower halves of our faces.

"I'm sorry she hurt you." Sasuke said, standing and brushing invisible dust and grime from his clothes. (He always looked perfect, one of the reasons I could not believe we were even as good of friends as we were.) "I did you warn you though, can't say I didn't."

Naruto was helped up by his loving, and apparently doting as well, honey bunches of sweets. (Or whatever that cereal is called-that's his pet name for Sasuke.) I was left to get up by myself. Just as I got to my feet, some random kid bumped into me from behind. It was only thanks to my amazing balancing skills-with a little help from Naruto's arms-that I managed to stay standing. If I had fallen, that kid would not have lived long enough to see his or her mother regretting having such an idiotic child. I turned to see who had been so careless, but all I glimpsed was long, honey blonde hair fluttering around the corner and, more than likely, out the school's entrance doors. That girl better hope I never see her again.

A/N: That's all for now, I promise not to keep you guys waiting too long. Please review, if only to tell me what I'm doing right with this story and what I need to improve on. Thanks!

Tata for now!

~theflawintheplan


	2. Chapter 2

The next day, I made it to class right as the bell rang. Granny Chiyo reset my alarm clock so that by the time it went off, I only had fifteen minutes to get ready and get to the school. I swear if that woman does not stop pranking me…I'm going to run away and join a badass gang or something. Maybe make a few badass puppets to come after her-

I like puppets.

Kakashi-sensei sent a bored look my way as I entered the door and I wondered why he was there on time. Usually his students had a good twenty minutes or so to be in class without getting caught for being tardy. Going out with Iruka-sensei really was changing him for the better. (For now. There was not a person alive who could change Hatake Kakashi.)

"Find your seat, Sasori." He sighed. He flipped another page in his porn novel and sat down heavily in his chair. When he finished the next two pages, he put a bookmark in his place ("One should never dog-ear precious items.") and carefully set it on top of a forgotten stack of homework. Porn freak.

I took my seat and rolled my eyes when I noticed the person sitting beside me was Inuzuka Kiba. He was a loud mouthed boy who wanted to hook up with another good friend of mine: Shabaku Gaara. (Ha, as if that would ever happen. Gaara did not go for dobes. That was actually the reason why he did not fall for Naruto…no offense to Sasuke, of course.) He kept staring intensely at the side of my head and I made damn sure to keep my eyes glued to the front. The last thing I needed was for Kiba to notice that I noticed him.

"Sasori," he hissed, his urgency preceded only by his raw desperation. "_Sasori_!"

I kept ignoring him. Perhaps he would get the hint and stop talking to me. But alas, Kami did not rain down little joys upon my head. (But what else could you expect from an indefinite being with all power?)

"Sasori!" Kakashi-sensei said my name that last time. Well, to be more accurate, he shouted my name to get my attention, but I digress.

"Yes, Hatake-sensei?" I decided to answer because I was not in the mood for another fight after breaking up with Ino. He sighed at my obvious incompetence.

"Were you listening to the lecture?"

I narrowed my eyes in confusion. I had not even realised he had been speaking this entire time! Iruka-sensei really had gotten under his skin this time. I wonder what Kakashi-sensei's punishments were when he royally screwed up…on second thought though, I would like to have lunch today. (Sometimes, my thoughts tend to wander when I'm left to my own musings, so just bear with me, okay? Okay.)

In order to avoid an argument, I said lightly, "Well, I didn't hear enough to answer a question, if that's what you mean. If you want to quiz me further, you'll have to repeat everything you just said." Yes, I realise that was said with an attitude, that was the whole point of the setup. Sarcasm. Everyone else snickered and Kakashi-sensei just looked blankly at me, though he could have secretly been planning various murder tactics on me. At least, that's what Sasuke says his brother is thinking every time he looks at me in the same indifferent way. But let's get back to the original story. You know, the one you actually _wanted_ to hear about? Yeah….

So anyway, Kakashi-sensei gave me The Look and then boredly went back to the lesson. "Whatever. Guys, I want you all to partner up for a new project." Everyone cheered. Whenever Kakashi-sensei gave us a project to work on, it meant we did not learn anything new for however long the assignment lasted since the lazy ass teacher thought we "needed the class time for the project." Hey, if it worked for him and Icha Icha Paradise, then who were we students to argue?

"Each pair will be given a section of the human body. You will research the health dangers associated with the particular section you are assigned." His tone left definite room for argument, but that margin was a double-edged sword. If a student chose not to do the work or chose to argue with him about it, Kakashi-sensei would simply take off from his or her grades without batting an eyelash-he just did not care what the student thought about the matter.

My kind of teacher.

"Alright then, if no one has any objections, I'll go on. I want a 2500-word essay and an informative, creative poster detailing-"

"Sir, please excuse me for interrupting, un." A confident voice cut in. All eyes trailed to a row toward the back of the classroom, discovering a cute, petite blonde girl who had spoken. Wait, I knew that long honey-blonde hair…she was the girl who knocked me over yesterday! As she continued, my scowl gradually grew deeper. "But exactly when is all this due anyway, un?"

Kakashi-sensei sighed dramatically. "If you guys would let me finish, I'll tell you." I smirked as she looked affronted. "It's due at the beginning of the month. That's exactly three weeks from today. You can start picking your partners…now." He said it as if we were somehow involved in a race. I snorted. My classmates, however, took the bait.

Idiots.

Kiba launched himself at me, but using my awesome ninja skills and reflexes (yes, I have those…), I quickly dodged his attack. I jumped out of my desk and ran around the classroom, trying to get a partner.

"Naruto?"

"Sorry, I'm with Sasuke."

"Chouji?"

"Not this time. Sakura actually agreed to be my partner and I'm not even Sasuke! Well…kinda because none of her friends are in this class. But at least _I _got a girl partner!"

"Shikamaru?"

"Nah, I got Ino."

"Neji? Do you-"

"You should know by now that I'm either with Hinata or Lee. And since Hinata just became Kiba's partner…."

"Hidan?"

"I'd rather have…_Kazuku_…than anyone else in this fucking hellhole."

"…Tobi?"

"Hehe, sorry, but Zetsu said Tobi's a good partner."

Realising I was quickly running out of options, I turned to Sasuke. "Sasuke?" I just barely managed to make the question an irritated growl rather than dripping with the desperation I felt.

He snorted rudely. "What did Naruto just say? Dobe…." Just then, Sensei's voice rang loud and clear throughout the crowd of students.

"Who doesn't have a partner yet?"

I turned to see him standing beside _the blonde girl_ and mentally cringed. Why didn't Gaara take this class? He should have been there to save me from the yellow hair! I tried to subtly move further into my throng of friends, but Sasuke (like the _**BITCH! **_he is) pushed me in front of the oh-so-loving group and called out, "Sasori still doesn't have one!"

Kakashi-sensei turned back to the girl. "Well, that settles that. You can be Sasori's partner." She gave me a somewhat soft and shy smile and my stomach flipped traitorously.

I hate blondes….

I gave Sasuke my meanest glare, but he only smirked. "Don't worry thanking me Sasori, that what best friends are for!" He assured me in feigned, innocent sweetness. Damn. I forgot Uchihas were immune to all types of hard stares. Well, since Hinata already snagged the (apparently) only guy who had wanted to be my partner, I guess I was just stuck with whatsername. I made a mental note to get her name soon since Sensei forgot to mention it to the class.

Somehow, I knew this was shaping up to be a pretty shitty school year.

A/N: Well, here's the next installment to my SasoDei. And guys, please don't kill me for making Deidara a "girl." He isn't really, Sasori just thinks he is because I did when I first saw Dei-chan. So no one can blame me or Sasori, right? He'll find out Deidara's real gender in the next chapter! XD And special thanks to **Ibbited**, **Blood Drenched Scorpion**, **NerdyBookLover**, **Sugar'n'bloodyrainbows**, **jaded fox2**, and **FaintReality** for reviewing the first chapter! You all made this chapter possible! ^_^

_**PREVIEW TIME!**_

**I glanced at the clock: 5.29. At the same moment, I heard the ominous doorbell and the even more ominous shuffle of Granny Chiyo's feet across the wood floor. (Honestly, I don't know how that woman is **_**still**_** alive. I shudder to think about it.) I tried to run down the stairs as fast as possible, but she already beat me to the door.**

"**Hello, you must be Deidara-kun."**

"**Good afternoon Akasuna-san, un…."**

**She chuckled in that (**_**OBNOXIOUS!**_**) way she does. "Oh there's no need for formalities. After all, you're going to bear Sasori's children soon." My-admittedly shrieked-"Grandmother!" went unheard and unnoticed as she leaned closer to Deidara. "He's very lonely, you know." Her lifted cheek wrinkles made her eyes close in mirth. Deidara's wide eyes peered over her shoulder to look at me in confused-**_**wary**_**-fear.**

**Okay, this was officially the worst day of my teenage, mutant life.**

Let me know what you think of the characters so far, please! And I went back and fixed the bold and underlining, as those of you who already read this chapter can see. I don't know what happened there because it wasn't supposed to look like _that._ This is the way I originally intented it to look. Sorry to everyone's eyes I hurt in the making of this chapter! XD

Your (always) sincere fan fiction author,

~theflawintheplan


	3. Chapter 3

I would have strutted into my last class if I had less self-control. Luckily, I do, if only physically. I can at least act like a rational, down-to-earth fifteen-year-old even if my thoughts are a little strange….

Anyway, I would have strutted into the classroom. It was Art, after all. Art, a perfect synonym for eternal happiness and/or contentment, was Kami's gift to man and my personal safe haven. I took my seat and noticed a scrap of paper some undeserving idiot had left behind.

Jackpot.

I began sketching a new puppet design I was working on. All too soon, however, I was disturbed from my tranquil work by Orochimaru-sensei. "Alright class, today we have a special treat. We have a new student joining us today." I feigned indifference as I looked up and saw that stupid blonde girl perk as she kindapped my gaze and she waved, excited at the familiar face.

My jaw dropped. She was in my sanctuary now too?

"This is Deidara-kun." Orochimaru-sensei said cheekily. My jaw dropped even further. I had only ever heard of the name Deidara as a boy's name. Did that mean "she" was a "he"? I felt somewhat queasy for thinking him attractive before.

"Now, where should we seat you, Dei-kun?" He asked rhetorically. I would have gagged at his cotton-candy tone, but his eyes were now sweeping the classroom.

They landed on me.

I shook my head in angry determination. Oh no, no way was he going to shove that gender-bending kid onto me. Once again though, Kami was not so kind.

"Sasori, you don't have a seating partner yet. Why don't you let him sit with you?" He _smiled at me_ (that stupid, pedophilic geezer)! "Oh, and since you're the only one in the class without a partner for the art project I assigned last week, I'm making him your partner."

Un. Fucking. Believable.

"But Sensei—" I began to protest, but my teacher would not hear a word of it. I found myself wishing once again that Gaara or Sasuke was here to protect me from the blond nightmare. Orochimaru-sensei sent Deidara over to my table and he happily sat down.

"Hey, un!"

"Hey," I mumbled.

"Looks like we're going to be partners! Do you want me to come over to your house today, un? After all, we would probably get a higher grade if we started right away, un."

"Yeah, whatever," I said, disheartened. Hey, you would be too if you had some new kid who looked _EXACTLY LIKE YOUR EX _walking around the school and making you miserable in your favourite class. But I gave him my address anyway. It was whatever.

"Thanks, un! I'll be over there at 5.30. Okay, un?"

Okay, what the fuck was up with this kid always saying that?

"What the fuck is up with you always saying that?" I was proud that my blank voice was becoming trademark again. (Note to self: Never fight with a cheating blonde in public again.) His smile faltered a little but it was back in place so fast, anyone else would have thought they had imagined it.

I knew better than that.

"What do you mean, un?" Oh, so now he was going to play dumb, was he?

"That!" I hissed, my anger increasing with every word we exchanged. What it was about this boy that completely set me on edge I did not know, but my jaw wanted to kill me for the pressure I was putting on it. My brain would not give the command for me to stop though.

"That stupid word you put at the end of every fucking sentence you say." I quickly glanced around the classroom to see if anyone had heard the curse word. The last thing I needed was for that old bat at home to be called down to the office and embarrass me and then I'd have to sic some puppets on her annoying ass and have some badass yet unfortunately efficient ninja squad on _my_ ass. (Ugh, I hate that woman. Hate her so much….)

Finding that no one had noticed, I turned back to the problem at hand.

"You mean my speech impediment, un?" He asked quietly, dejectedly. If I liked him or was any more of a person, I probably would have felt a little guilt. But I didn't, rolled my eyes, and moved on.

"Well, if you're talking about that word 'un,' then I guess yeah, I would be talking about your speech impediment."

At first his eyes left mine as his face crumpled into sadness and then anger, but eventually he met my gaze again and a _smirk_ grew. He chuckled. "I don't really know why I say it. I guess I need to work on that, un." He leaned in closer, so close that I discovered his breath smelled of peppermints and strawberries (weird combination, I know) and that his eyes were a bright shade of blue that could rival Naruto's. "Maybe you can help me work it out while we do our projects, un?" He _purred_.

Whoa. Whoa, _NO_!

This kid was coming on to me! This kid was trying to turn me gay!

Normally if it had been Naruto playing a joke or hell, another boy for that matter, I would have flinched and scooted away, but for some reason I was trapped by that vivid blue abyss and I could not look away. Deidara ended up being the first to break eye contact so he could pay attention to what Orochimaru-sensei was talking about. That pissed me off to no effing end and I vowed never to like this guy even in the slightest.

I think that was when Cupid set out with a personal vendetta against me.

~?~?~?~?~?~?~?~?~

"I'm home!" I called. I did not know why I bothered. As soon as the door clicked shut behind me, my grandmother was all I could see. She bombarded me with her usual interrogation method of asking every possible question ever invented before I can even get a breath to answer.

"How was your day at school, Sasori? Did you meet any new girls today, Sasori? When are you going to get over that Yamanaka girl and get back into the dating scene? You know she wasn't any good for you. You know, if you stopped messing around with those damn puppets _I _showed you how to make and you came out of your room every once in a while, you would be able to get another girlfriend and give me grandchildren."

I sighed. All I could do was answer the woman.

"Horrible—as always, but what can you expect? No, and if I did I sure as hell wouldn't bring her over here so you can scare the poor girl away. (Your wrinkled smile is fucking terrifying.) You're really heartless, you know that? And how can you say that about my precious puppets? They're like my children! What would I have if not my beautiful creations?"

Granny Chiyo rolled her eyes in way that was scarily similar to mine. "How about a life, Sasori?"

I ignored her. (Because she's a _BITCH_!)

"And besides, I can't give you grandchildren. Do you want to know why that is? Any wild guesses?" I paused for the answer I knew she would not give. "Okay, maybe because I _am_ your grandchild, _Grandmother_!"

She huffed. "It doesn't really what we call them, does it? As long as you give your children."

I could tell neither one of us was going to forfeit our positions any time soon, so I just moved on to the next topic. "Oh yeah, someone's coming over today." I said indifferently as I flopped down onto our couch to do various homework from other classes throughout the day. Granny apparently did not take the news as lightly as I did.

"Really? A girl?"

"No, a boy. Deidara."

"Oh, a friend of yours?"

"Not really, and don't you dare get that gleam in your eye. It isn't what you think it is."

"Oh, isn't it?" She laughed as I gathered my school things again. I dragged it all upstairs to my room and crashed onto my bed, feeling a bit sorry for myself. Why did I have a grandmother who enjoyed being an embarrassing matchmaker? Why did my new partner remind me of my ex-girlfriend when all _I_ wanted to do was to forget Ino ever existed?

By the time I finished my homework, I was not in any better of a mood than I was this morning. I glanced at the clock: 5.29. At the same moment, I could hear the ominous doorbell and the even more ominous shuffle of Granny Chiyo's feet across the wood floor. (Honestly, I don't know how that woman is _still_ alive. I shudder to think about it.) I jumped off of my bed and I tried to run down the stairs as fast as possible, but she already beat me to the door.

"Hello, you must be Deidara-kun."

"Good afternoon Akasuna-san. Is Sasori home, un?"

She chuckled in that (_**OBNOXIOUS!**_) way she does and the very sound sent chills running impishly down my spine (the little bastards). "Oh, there's no need for such formalities. After all, you're going to bear Sasori's children soon." My—admittedly shrieked—"Grandmother!" went unheard and unnoticed as she leaned closer to Deidara. "He's very lonely, you know." Her lifted cheek wrinkles made her eyes close in mirth. Deidara's wide eyes peered over her shoulder to look at me in confused—_wary_—fear.

Okay, this was officially the worst day in my teenage mutant ninja life.

A/N: Well, another chapter (finally) up! And yay, Deidara's not a "girl" anymore (even though Sasori's not _particularly_ happy about this fact)! ^_^ And again, a special thanks goes out to **Blood Drenched Scorpion**, **RedTori90**, **FaintReality**, **Shinsetsu13**, **ArcaneHiddenMagic**, **Ibbited**, **majikku**, **Ayane**, **mMadKittYy**, **DeidaraUlquiorra**, and **FreakyPumpkin** for all the wonderful reviews! Gosh, I wasn't expecting that many reviews for the second chapter, that's just amazing! XD You guys seriously helped me crank this chappie out (sorry about the crappy, seriously GOD AWFUL length, though) and I thank you for that! Thank you all SO MUCH!

_**PREVIEW!**_

**The bane of my oh-so-awesome existence found me as I sat on the swing set.**

"**Hey, un!"**

"…"

**He chuckled. "You don't talk much, do you, un? That's okay though, I like that, un."**

"**I'll bet you do," I muttered.**

**Another chuckle and I cringed at his ability to be so damned happy. "What did you say, un?"**

"…"

**We sat in (blissful) silence for a while before he spoke again.**

"**You know, un…." He hesitated and I looked at him then—I could not help it. "Well…your grandmother invited me to dinner at your house tonight. Just thought…you ought to…know…un?" He turned away from my evil eye(s).**

**I hate everyone and also**_** My. Life**_**!**

And that's a wrap folks! Yay! XD

Happy trails everyone,

~theflawintheplan


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